Big Feelings and the Control Tower
- Kimberly B. Harrison, Ph.D.
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
A child slams a door, bursts into tears, yells over a small disappointment, or completely falls apart when plans change. From the outside, the reaction can seem far bigger than the situation. But big feelings are rarely just about the moment in front of us.
They are often a sign that the Control Tower is overwhelmed.
What Does the Control Tower Have to Do With Emotions?
The Control Tower is the part of the brain responsible for managing many of the skills children need throughout the day.
It helps them:
pause before reacting
shift when plans change
tolerate frustration
remember what to do
consider another perspective
solve problems
manage impulses
calm down after becoming upset
These skills are often grouped under the term executive functioning. When the Control Tower is working well, a child can experience a strong emotion and still access the skills needed to respond. But, when the Control Tower becomes overloaded, those skills are much harder to reach. When that happens, the child is not simply feeling upset. Instead, they have temporarily lost access to the tools needed to manage being upset.
Big Feelings Can Shut Down the Runway
Imagine an airport Control Tower trying to manage too many planes at once.
One plane is frustration.
Another is disappointment.
Another is hunger.
Another is fatigue.
Another is sensory overload.
Another is worry about tomorrow’s test.
Then a parent says, “It’s time to turn off the game.”
That final request may seem small, but it lands in a system that is already crowded. Suddenly, there is no clear runway. The child yells, argues, cries, freezes, or runs away. The reaction is not always about the last demand. It may reflect everything the Control Tower was already trying to manage.
Regulation Comes Before Reasoning
When children are highly emotional, adults often respond with more words.
We explain.
We remind.
We question.
We lecture.
We ask, “Why are you acting this way?”
But when the Control Tower is offline, language and reasoning are often less effective. A child in the middle of a meltdown usually cannot process a long explanation, reflect thoughtfully on consequences, or generate a better solution. That work comes later. In the moment, the first goal is not insight. The first goal is regulation. Before children can think differently, they often need help feeling safer, calmer, and more organized.
Calm the System, Not Just the Behavior
It is tempting to focus on stopping the visible behavior.
“Stop crying.”
“Lower your voice.”
“Go calm down.”
“Use your words.”
Those instructions make sense, but they may ask the child to use skills that are temporarily unavailable. Instead, try reducing the demands on the Control Tower.
That might sound like:
“You’re having a hard time. I’m here.”
“We don’t have to solve this yet.”
“Let’s take one step at a time.”
“Your body needs a minute to settle.”
“We can talk when your Control Tower is ready.”
Keep in mind that the goal is not to excuse hurtful or unsafe behavior. Rather, the goal is to help the brain regain enough control to learn from what happened.
Children Borrow Our Control Towers
Young children—and many older children with ADHD, anxiety, autism, or executive functioning weaknesses—often rely on adults for co-regulation.
Co-regulation means that a calm adult helps a child’s nervous system settle. Your voice, pace, facial expression, and body language all send information.
A loud voice can signal danger.
Rapid questions can feel like pressure.
A calm presence can communicate, “This is hard, but it is manageable.”
This does not mean parents must remain perfectly calm at all times. No one does. But, it means recognizing that our regulation affects theirs. During big feelings, children often need to borrow our Control Tower until their own comes back online.
Look Beneath the Explosion
Behavior is communication. Instead of asking only, “How do I stop this?” ask:
“What is making the Control Tower’s job harder?”
Consider:
Is the child tired, hungry, or overstimulated?
Was there an unexpected transition?
Has the child been holding it together all day?
Does the task require too much working memory?
Is the child worried about failing?
Was the demand unclear or too broad?
Does the child feel rushed, embarrassed, or misunderstood?
Has frustration been building for hours?
The answer does not remove expectations. It helps us choose a response that addresses the real problem.
Teach Skills After the Storm
Once the child is calm, the Control Tower is available for learning again. This is the time to reflect briefly and without shame.
You might ask:
“What was your first clue that the feeling was getting big?”
“What made that moment especially hard?”
“What did your body feel like?”
“What could help your Control Tower next time?”
“Should we make the plan smaller?”
“Would a warning, break, timer, or checklist help?”
You don’t need to force an apology or deliver a long lecture. Long-term success is achieved when the child learns to notice patterns and build better plans.
Every difficult moment can become a clue.
Build the Control Tower Between Meltdowns
Children do not learn emotional regulation only while they are upset. In fact, most regulation skills are best practiced when everyone is calm.
Helpful tools include:
naming emotions and body signals
previewing transitions
offering limited choices
building predictable routines
practicing calming strategies
breaking large tasks into smaller steps
creating a plan for common triggers
reducing unnecessary verbal demands
using visual reminders
protecting sleep, meals, movement, and downtime
These supports strengthen the child’s ability to recognize rising emotions before the Control Tower becomes overwhelmed.
The Goal Is Not to Eliminate Big Feelings
Big feelings are part of being human. Children do not need to become less sensitive, less passionate, or less expressive. They need to learn that feelings can be strong without being in charge.
Over time, children can learn to notice the feeling, understand what it is communicating, and choose what to do next. That is emotional regulation- not the absence of emotion. It’s the ability to stay connected to the Control Tower while experiencing it.
The Control Tower Model™
See their strengths.
Understand their brain.
Strengthen the Control Tower.
Dr. H.'s Truth
A child cannot use skills that an overwhelmed brain cannot access. Calm the system first. Teach the lesson second.
If you would like to learn more about how to build an external brain or the Control Tower Model, check out my book ADHD: The Comprehensive Parent's Guide,
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