We are remarkably quick storytellers. Someone is late, and we think they don’t respect our time. A child doesn’t do what we asked, and we decide they weren’t listening. A teenager shrugs when we ask about school, and we assume they don’t care. A colleague asks question after question, and we decide they’re difficult. Someone doesn’t return a text, and before long, we’ve created an explanation for that, too.

When a child argues about every instruction, refuses to start homework, procrastinates until the last possible minute, shuts down, or completely falls apart over something that seems small, it can be hard not to focus on the behavior.